When the Wii was first released Nintendo fans were pumped when they noticed not one but two USB ports fitted to the rear of the console. The common response was “OMG USB possibilities could be endless thank you Nintendo!!” Well we’re approaching the two year mark since the Wii first graced us with its presence and what has Nintendo given us that actually utilizes one of the worlds most common plugs? BUBCUS! That’s what. Ok there are a few things that are Wii related that have a use for the USB ports such as the USB LAN adaptor but WiFi is so common these days that most people haven’t bothered with it. We can jam a generic USB keyboard in there and tack away at the interwebz but how about a mouse? Bah! No one really uses the Opera Browser much anyway unless someone has hijacked their computer. Wii Speak will be the first accessory from Nintendo that will use it but that’s not out yet and there may be some time before we have any games that use it properly. The aftermarket accessory makers were quick to conjure up some gizmos in an attempt to jump on the Wii phenomenal success train. There’s an abundance of frumpy looking cooling fans available on ebay that sound like an out of tune tractor when turned on. These are pretty useless considering the Wii doesn’t over heat and speaking of useless, how about the combination fans units that come with a smooth pimpen coloured glow, a place to stash your Wii Remotes and a shoe rack…ok enough of my random loosely researched babbling I’m going to get of my butt now and find something useful to do with those dam USB ports before they rust.
Hopes and Dreams
So you’ve gone nuts and downloaded heaps of software from the Wii shopping channel and you’ve quickly chewed though the Wii’s enormous 512mb internal storage. The SD card system of deleting and reinstalling just makes you crazy and a sensible storage system is what you desire. The solution to your problem is to get a generic external hard drive and format it to FAT32 and plug that into one of the Wii’s USB ports are you are set. Nah just kidding that wont do squat but it is a feature that we have been screaming for such a long time and it just boggles my mind why it hasn’t happened. To me this would be equivalent of selling you a mobile phone which can only hold five phone numbers. Hey you want to store more numbers on it then all you have to do is purchase an SD card and transfer the five numbers you have onto there, delete them from the phone memory and add the new ones. /rant
Anyway let’s do something about it… well try at least. I think if everyone got together and jumped on the “Everyone votes channel” and sent in the suggestion; “Do you want the ability to use an external storage device on your Wii” or “Give me some friggen storage space I’ll give you monies” as a question Nintendo might get the hint after a few million suggestions all stating the same thing. Or option B would be to plug an external storage device in there, fire up your Wii and focus all your inner will power and concentrate on the two devices working together. Maybe the concentrated Zen-like force of millions of desperate Wii users might make it happen.
No I’m not talking about those stupid USB fans that plug into the back of the Wii in an attempt to keep an already cool system cool. I’m talking about the fans that blow a steady steam of moderately cool air into your direction and are powered by the USB port. These kinds of fans are common for people that use a computer all day and their boss is too much of tight ass to fork out for decent air conditioning. We can use this little device to make our Wii gaming experience more comfortable while we’re oozing with sweat from playing an exhilarating game of Wii Sports, Wii Fit or any other Wii game that has you bouncing around. Just plug the fan in and point it in the general direction of where you are standing but since in most cases these things have short leads and bugger all fan force you’re going to have to get pretty close to it in order to get any results. Handy Tip: Get a friend or relative to hold the fan closer to you wile you are playing. Please note that we will not take any responsibility if you accidently smash that person in the face with the Wii remote but we will accept any footage that you have managed to capture.
Cranking Up Your Mojo
So a lot of core gamers have been a little frustrated with the large number of Wii titles being released that are aimed at the casual gamer. Games like All-Star Cheer Squad, Ninja Bread Man and Wii Music makes the core gamer want sit but naked in a hot frying pan. Don’t stress too much as the good stuff can’t be too far away but in the mean time take the good with the bad. The good is that the Wii attracts all walks of people and most notably is the opposite sex. With the correct combination of words strung together to form a decent pick up line there’s a good chance that you can convince that special someone to come back to your place and check out Nintendo’s latest. After impressing that person with motion sensing technology plus the wonders of the balance board and it comes time to take a break nothing sets the mood for “wink wink” like a good old Lava Lamp. Just think of all the late 60s and early 70s free love that was influenced by the classic lava lamp. Plug that puppy into the Wii’s USB slot and enjoy seductive sensation that once was all rage many decades ago. What happens after that is all up to you and don’t PM me screaming that it didn’t work or that you require further instructions. It should work its simple maths; Wii awesomeness + Seductive power of the Lava Lamp = You with more Mojo than a GoGo dancer…..that paragraph was so hard to keep clean
What Smells Like Fish?
Fish can be great pets, they’re quiet and they don’t make a mess off the house by doing you know what on your carpet. They’re also easy to replace if one decides to go belly up, but there’s only so many times little Jonny will fall for your excuses to why the family goldfish keeps changing shape and colour each time you come back from a holiday. Hudson Soft was kind enough to step in and release the Wii Ware title My Aquarium. Which is ok but what happens when you want to play the Wii and still view fish at the same time? HA! See they didn’t think that through but don’t fret I’ve got a solution to this. Still running with the fake fish theme a USB aquarium will provide all the soothing qualities of a real fish tank while you are swearing your head off at Mario Kart. The USB fish tank has water, plastic fish type things and it glows and they won’t die what more do you need? Note: Just a tip, don’t bother feeding them or else that tank will start smelling like a public toilet.
We All Don’t Smell Like Flowers
We all have that one smelly friend that we’re just to dam nice to tell them that the pong that they emit can strip paint off the walls. Well what happens when you factor in one smelly person plus the physical exertion caused by jumping around playing Wii games? You have your self one nasty, stinky, sweat filled room that will bring tears to your eyes. To help combat stinky people fumes you can use one of these USB fragrance devices that will hopefully mask bad smells with good smells. If this still manages to fail and you can still smell your friend’s aroma of unwashed donkey, your only options are to sell your Wii or get a new friend. Tough love people, its not like you didn’t try.
Keeping the Go-Juice Warm
At some point you are going to run out of decent games to play and there’s some people out there that just can’t stand the thought of the money invested into their Wii going to waste. So they’ll sit there with the Wii turned on basking in the ominous glow coming from the menu screen while doing meaningless tasks like rearrange the channels or spin the planet in the weather channel. That’s all well and good if you are trying to extract every possible ounce of value out of your Wii but the reality is you will probably pass out from chronic boredom, and that coffee you made an hour ago would have evolved to cold sludge by then. In order to combat this problem you can use a USB powered coffee warmer and enjoy nice warm coffee while gawking at the Wii menu screen for hours on end until the next good game comes out. If coffee is not your forte and hyper active energy drinks is more your style and nothing peeves you off more than a warm can of Red Bull. It’s all good we got you covered as well because at the opposite end of the scale is the USB can cooler that will keep your next caffeine/guaranaa hit nice and crisp. Warning: excessive amount of caffeine plus hours of listening to the Wii menu music will make you skitzoid. This is now a common technique used by the military to interrogate captives
Well I could be here for days loading up your brains with awesome information about this topic but I’ll let you guys get started on what’s provided so far. There’s an abundance of USB accessories available out there and it’s a shame Nintendo hasn’t offered some useful options so far. Fingers crossed that Nintendo bring out something either useful or original.
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Written by: Matthew Armitage